the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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