I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
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Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
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I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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