my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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