Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
