U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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