he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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