My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
