I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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