Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
