Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
