I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
