Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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