your parents love me but you hate me
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
