I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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