WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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