I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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