??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I party with great urgency now.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
