remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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