If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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