So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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