i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
