Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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