Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
