....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
