How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
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Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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