she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
