I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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