My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
