I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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