she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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