Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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