so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
