Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
there is glitter all over my balls
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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