how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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