just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
