I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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