if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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