I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
