If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
