Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
