I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
