Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
