There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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