she looked like the bat from fern gully.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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