Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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