Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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