I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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