oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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