I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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