i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He keeps bees of course he's weird
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
