What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
soo... how was my night?
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