That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
True strength comes from lack of pants
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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