Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
