my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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