Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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