dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
