I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
