Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
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i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
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I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken