Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.