Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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