tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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