We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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