theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
