I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
