I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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