I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
