I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
